I'm out of flying holidays for the rest of the year (horrors)!
It has been a good year:
3 times to Bangkok,
2 times to Bali
1 time to Koh Samui,
And I can't remember any other flights!
Most memorable trip would be the trips to Bali. Stayed at W Resort and Spa the first time round, and had lots of relaxation - do stay there, it's well worth the money!
Second time round was for Zumba (I did say how much into Zumba I am). Two words: Awesomely awesome! Great company, great shopping, great time, great workout - what more can I ask for?
Got my hopes raised a little too early, and someone just pricked the bubbles of happiness.
Met up with Mr. Bus 16 for brunch yesterday, and he mentioned that in the past 9 months that we had not been in contact, he realized a few things. One of which was that he's fine being single. And in his own words, he's looking for casual dating.
Frankly, I'm disappointed and sad over with what he's looking at. But at least he's honest, and "next candidate please!"
I believe that the universe is always sending us messages, and so I sent one of my own - I sent Mr. Bus 16 a message on Facebook.
Guess what? He replied, and said that he thinks of me sometimes too!! OMG - I'm giddy with happiness when I saw that! (I was thinking of what could happen - could he tell me to stop bothering him, or he might just not reply to the message).
He suggested that we should meet up, and I've agreed, and proposed a date. Let's see how things go. *Keeping my fingers and toes and whatever that could cross crossed*
I love having long nails, be it natural nails or nail extensions. The above is taken when I first fell in love with gel nail extensions. I have since given up on nail extensions and decided to grow my personal long nail.
I remember when I first met my prof - he couldn't help but ask "Can you do Taekwondo with your long nails?"
I have just been reminded by Mr. JTC why I should keep them long. He mentioned over lunch today "I like the ladies with long nails. It makes them feel more feminine. I remember when I first saw you, you had long red nails."
Well, I love them too! They scratch well, and look good with nail polish (which I have a lot of)!
Saw this video today - What could have been, and I thought about Mr Bus 16.
I thought I saw Mr. Bus 16 again (on bus 16), but I did not board the bus, as I had a faster bus back home. I guess this is what they say fated to meet but not destined to be together.
Now there's Mr. SS (Smoked Salmon). Well, we both know for a fact that the both of us are single,and the fact that he will not be in Singapore often for the next 2 years, so it'll be a case of let's see how things go.
It could work out or blow up in our faces. But then again, not many things in life is guaranteed, isn't it?
I'm now past 25, make that past 26, why not go for what I want?
Last night I went to a sex trafficking awareness event. Black and white photographs - mug shots - of broken, bruised women arrested and brought in for prostitution flashed across the screen, over and over and over. Horrifically broken women. Women who, like horses, have had their spirits broken in order to serve another man's purpose and desire. I listened to a 30 second clip of a young woman pleading and sobbing with a judge for mercy in his ruling on her 31 solicitation charges: "This isn't me. I'm not this woman. I don't want to be this. I don't want to do this anymore. This isn't me. Please, please help me. Please." Don't punish me for what I did, because this isn't the woman I wanted to be.
But I feel like I have no other option.
I beg of you to be the man who stands in my defense. Sitting on that cold, wooden bench, watching this girl beg for someone to understand that Prostitute wasn't her name, I was shocked to find that the ache swelling in my heart was an ache I'd felt before. The same pain I've felt many times. An ache I could see written on the faces of every single girl and woman in that room. Why could every woman identify with the sobbing prostitute in the court room? I have begged for someone to see me as the woman I want to be; not as the woman I've fallen into being. I have been the woman condemned by the sex I've allowed, agreed to, and willingly sought out - but later, desperately cried out for someone, anyone who will understand that this isn't the woman I want to be.This isn't me. But a small part of me feels like I had no other option. It was out of my control. I said yes, but did I really mean it? Desperately wanting a man to stand in my defense. To fight for me, before he wants sex. "I used to think prostitutes were the criminals. Not the victims. Everyone has a choice, right? She had the option of not agreeing to sex. But look at these women's faces. When you judge thousands of domestic violence cases, you learn what victims look like and what they don't. And every single woman brought in on a solicitation charge looks like a victim. I started studying statistics on women charged with selling their bodies. Every single woman has been the victim of another crime: domestic violence, abuse, incest, molestation, abandonment. But we prosecute them as the criminal." So this judge made the decision to start viewing prostitutes not as criminals, but as victims. A second chance. Sextakenfrom them. Not given.Even though they said yes. Even though they received something in return. Every time I had sex I said yes to it. But I have always felt like something was taken from me. Even though every single time I thought I got what I wanted or needed that night. Do you have a choice? And is that really the question? Is it really the wordYesorNothat matters? Did those women have the choice to say no to giving up their bodies in return for something else they desperately needed to make it through the day? Do you? Do I?Out of the overflow of the heart, so the mouth speaks. The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women don't really have a choice. The majority of them have been trafficked, and if you're familiar with trafficking, you know that it is kidnapping and slavery in it's most brutal, gruesome, despicable, evil form. The ugly truth of prostitution is that those women exchanged sex for what they needed to get through that day alive, according to their past, their perspective, and the men who shaped their lives. And the ugly truth of my sex life is that in the past, I have given every inch of my body in exchange for what I needed to get through that day alive, according to my past, my perspective, and the men who shaped my life and my culture. That is why every woman in the room could relate to the desperation, pain, judgement, guilt, brokenness, and plea for mercy expressed by the prostitute. Because I believe that as a woman who has had sex with men who did not commit their life and love to me, I am as that of a prostitute. As are you, if you have also slept with a man before he married you. I am not judging you. I am fighting heart and soul in your defense. Because I know that you feel like you were the victim of another crime.A father who left. A man who broke your spirit. An emptiness that never ceases. Pain inflicted on you by another. A culture that tells you sex is all you're worth. Men who have degraded, devalued and destroyed women through pornography. A society that has lied to you about sex since the day you were born. The victim of men who refused to fight in your behalf; men who refused to fight for you. All of you. Because I know that when you said yes, you thought he would stay. Because I know that when you said yes, you knew he wouldn't. Because I know that you were in search of something other than sex, just as I was. The truth is that when we want sex, we want passionate intimacy. We want a man to want us. We want him to actively, physically demonstrate his intense desire for us - over everything else he could be doing at this very moment. We want closeness. We want to feel needed, wanted; to feel like we both fully satisfy and are satisfied by another. I'm not eliminating our desire for physical pleasure, or to put it bluntly, saying that "women just want to be wanted, we don't care about getting off." No. What I'm pointing out is that when we crave sex, we are craving things that can't be delivered by getting ourselves off.Otherwise we would be forever content with that. And this is how we identify how powerful sex is. I am not jaded when it comes to sex. I am not pandering abstinence because traditional Christianity labels all self-indulgence as "sin."
I want it. I enjoy it. It frustrates me when I cannot have it. But I have learned that "sex will satisfy me" is a lie, and comes at great cost. Beloved woman, would you still be turned on if the man in your bed said: "You're sexy, but I might decide another woman is sexier later."
"You are beautiful, but not enough to make me yours forever."
"I love you, but I can't promise I'll protect you, in fact - I'll probably hurt you instead."
"I love getting you off, but if you get pregnant, I might not be the dad."
"I love your body, but only because you're hot. And I'm watching porn when I'm not with you."
"I want you more than anything, but just tonight. It will be different next week."
"I came over because you're easy sex and I don't have to really love you to get anything."
"I want your beauty and your warmth and your body, but nothing else." Whether or not the man you are sleeping with is saying these things out loud, these statements are being branded into your mind, body & heart every single time you have sex outside of marriage. Becausethey are all true,when sex is had without a diamond on your finger. There is no guarantee that a man is staying, that he loves you and is committed to you - and so these statements areinherentlytrue.And there is nothing that the best intentions can do to alter their truth. Even if you are content with going through with sex, and sacrificing what you know you want or deserve in order for temporary companionship, comfort, "love," or physical pleasure, you WILL start to believe certain things about yourself, other men, and other women. You will start to believe that you are no better. That men are no better. It will alter your view of sex, love, relationships, and men.But most importantly, it will alter your view of yourself. It will name you Prostitute when your precious, broken heart begs a man to see you as the woman you always wanted to be. We are a generation of women who have been convinced by the men in our lives that sex is what we have to give in order to attain what we need to get through life. I crave Something, and men have convinced me that sex will fill it. Be honest with me. When you tell yourself that you want sex,did you come to this conclusion by yourself?Or is it the product of the men in your life and the culture you live in? I challenge you to sit down and wrestle through this. Are you the criminal, or are you the victim of a broken world, in dire need of Love in it's true form? Women, we have sold ourselves. And it is breaking us. The human body is not built to withstand regrettable sex. We are not built to give everything before he has stepped up and committed to give us everything back. This is why you feel like something has been taken, even though you said yes. Women, you are not built to have sex with a man who has not committed his heart, mind and body to you for the rest of your life. I beg of you to join me in saying No. Saying No to the lie that sex alone will satisfy what you crave. Saying No to men until one of them loves you enough to promise to give, not to take. For the rest of his life. I beg of you to sit at the foot of Jesus with me as Prostitute. As he gives us new names, and fights in our behalf.
What's the difference between sugar and honey? Other than the fact that one is in sold form while the other is in a liquid form?
How about girls who are sweet? How would you categorize them?
I chanced upon a magazine, where a guy said that he fell asleep while being on the telephone with his girlfriend. Instead of hanging up the phone, the girl was still on the line when he awoke half an hour later. And guess what she said?
"I was just listening to you snore, it's so adorable"
So sweet, isn't it? However, the guy still broke up with her, cos she is 'as sweet as honey'.
You see, in a guy's perspective, there're differences in sweetness. For a guy, both sugar and honey are sweet, but he can have sugar without making a mess of the whole process, while honey is tacky, and one can't just eat without making a mess.
Friendship - It can be there, and yet not there. Here's a little reading that I found:
Always listen to yourself first. Remember that peer pressure is not the same as friendship and popularity is a fad.
Trust your intuition toward friends. If your inner voice warns you about a friend, take heed and be cautious. The heart knows best when it comes to character judgment but cannot always articulate clearly in words that the mind can understand.
Always respect yourself first and foremost. If your friends cannot do the same, find new friends rather than changing who you are.
Be on time. Every time. Punctuality is a sign of respect and trust and aside from a casual slip-up once or twice, a trend of tardiness is a sure sign of trouble and must be handled with care.
Guard your feelings while you share your love and affection. Do not put up with friends who play with your feelings. Even in fun and games, you may be sensitive and they ignorant but this is no reason to pay the price with pain.
Keep your promises or do not bother making them at all. Know yourself well enough to realize whether you can hold a promise or struggle with it. Then act accordingly. Expect your friends to do the same for you.
Honor your commitments to plans or else respect your friends enough to let them know well in advance about any changes. Do not change your commitments often; it is better to make less commitments than to constantly appear indecisive and flippant.
Be selfish but be kind and gentle about it. Being selfish and honest makes you a better friend. It means stating your preference, being open and candid in communications, and not pretending to be another in order to fit in. If you do, sooner or later, you’ll miss being yourself and your friendship will be doomed.
Being selfish does not mean that a phone conversation revolves only around you or that you are the center of everything. Care about your friends to ask them the simple sincere question of how they are doing when you call.
Be generous. Give generously and give often, especially if you are in a position to do so. Enjoy the act of giving in friendships in whatever way, shape, or form you are able to do so.
Never, ever mention a favor you did for a friend after the fact. Never expect a favor in return for one. This is not a business transaction and we should not keep tabs here.
Do not let your friends abuse your goodness. Be kind but be vigilant when you first form friendships. Your heart will know the difference between a friend indulging in your sweet company and one abusing your generosity and kindness time and again.
When you are in the company of your friends and an additional circle of mutual friends, use your best judgment and demeanor. Do not share everything that you would with your friend in the company of others in the circle. Exercise tact and discretion in your words.
Learn to read your close friends without speaking. Learn what bothers them, what frustrates them, what saddens and delights them, and anticipate how you can brighten their day with the smallest acts of kindness.
Do not betray the trust of your friends. Confidentiality between friends is the highest degree of motivation for continued friendships. Treat it with the utmost care.
Learn when to be silent when in each other’s company. Let silence build your bond without words. Not every feeling needs to be expressed at the instant that you are feeling it. Not every emotion needs words to come to life.
Do not allow others into the private moments of your friendship. Keep it for yourself and state your boundaries kindly but firmly.
Support your friends. Sometimes you are ahead in life, sometimes they are. This is the core of what friendship is for and you can express it in the best way your heart desires, so long as you express your sincere support.
Guard your friendship and yourself against jealousy. The powers of jealousy are strong and bitter and still very subtle. As Luhrmann says, bridge the gaps of lifestyle and focus on the meaning of your friendship instead. Ban jealousy at the door.
Always return phone calls. In our technology age, it is easy to downgrade the response to a text message or an email. Choose to return phone calls with a return call.
Do not be “too busy” too often for your friends. “Too busy” is the most lame excuse invented in the English language and I am sometimes guilty of it too. Prioritize your life and either mean your friendship or step aside and mind your state of “busyness”.
Leave pretense to others. Follow your heart and be honest with yourself and your friends. Can you think of a friendship that has lasted a significant amount of time with pretense between friends?
Understand that some wonderful friendships run their course, that some people change and some amazing relationships come to a closure long before you are ready to say goodbye. Be brave and say goodbye graciously and move on.
Learn how to end friendships gracefully. Ignoring them and leaving them by the wayside is one way to end them but not a graceful one. An honest explanation, a heart-to-heart chat and a soft goodbye will have many returns for your peace of mind and that of your friend.
Remember that high expectations – or expectations in general – lead to disappointment. Have them but know how to react when they are not met. It is not a reflection on your friend but on you for having that expectation. Perhaps too much is assumed or perhaps you need other friends but whatever you do, do not try to mold your friends into your expectations.
Beware of loaning to or borrowing from your friends. Kindness gets the best of us and necessity is sometimes a companion to the situation. If you do loan and borrow, be the kind of person who cannot sleep til the debt to a friend is paid and one who can look past the unpaid loan without so much as a poor sentiment. Otherwise, do not take the risk on either affair.
Be very cautious when you do business with your friends. It is difficult to look past a wry business transaction and return unchanged to the friendship. Some amazing business agreements and deals can very well spring from friendships but be aware of your own position before doing business and stay true to yourself.
Remember the kindness of your past friends. Things may not always end well but when they do and you move on, remember the good times. Really focus on what you cherished together. That is what friendship is about.
Learn to observe and listen to your own feelings. If a friend brings down your mood, your energy and your well-being constantly, perhaps they need a therapist and not a friend. These are difficult choices to make but I suggest you put your own well-being first with kindness but firmness.
Be happy, be deliriously happy for the success of your friends, whatever it may be. Success is not a zero sum game and there is more than enough of it to go around.
Do not be delusional about your friendships. Do not make assumptions about who your friends are, know it and validate it. There are those who are acquaintances to you and those who consider you as a mere acquaintance. Learn to distinguish between those two and the color of true friendship.
Do not compare yourself to your friends. Instead draw inspiration from the goodness. You never know the full circumstance of any one’s life (except perhaps the spouse who lives with you!). Envy and competition serve you poorly in friendships (and in life!).
Be full of compassion when your friends are in sorrow. Always visit a friend in the hospital, always! Friends can forget that you missed a wedding or a party but they shall never forget that you came to see them in the ICU or at a funeral.
Expect your friends to be there in your sorrow in return. Difficult times are best shared with friends for the pain lessens when it’s divided between two hearts. Expect compassion in return; this is free and good friends should offer it in abundance.
Forgive your friends. There are times when they simply err or say something stupid or forget. Be kind, be sweet, look past the simple nonsense and focus on what really matters. Give them the benefit of a doubt and fill the rest of your time with love.
Love your friends. Love them deeply, sweetly, softly and beautifully. Show them. Remember them. Cherish them. Grow up and grow old with them if you can. Keep them.Do not lose them.
I just did a whole load of spring cleaning, make that clothes spring cleaning.
Threw away 1 huge bag of clothes, donating another bag of clothes, and will be going through the clothes that I am left with for another round of QC (Quality Check).
More clothes to go through, and found clothes that have yellowed, clothes to mend, clothes that people bought for me, clothes that I wore on my dates with people.
But I belive that it will be a liberating experience for me.
Yes, Zumba has been one of the few reasons that make me go for Thursday gym classes religiously.
Because of this passion, True Fitness had a Zumba performance at Chingay 2011! Here's what we did:
Great energy, great workout - I was all so ready to surrender due to the heat, within 10 minutes into the 15 minute performance.
But of course, it didn't happen! Was in quite a number of photos taken in Day 2 of Chingay, and managed to have one taken with the Zumba Master - David Velez! Sweet!
Try looking at tomorrow not yesterday
And all the things you left behind
All those tender words you did not say
The gentle touch you couldn't find
In these days of nameless faces
There is no one truth but only pieces
My life is all I have to give
Dare to live until the very last
Dare to live forget about the past
Dare to live giving something of yourself to others
Even when it seems there's nothing more left to give
Ma se tu vedessi l'uomo
Davanti al tuo portone
Che dorme avvolto in un cartone,
Se tu ascoltassi il mondo una mattina
Senza il rumore della pioggia,
Tu che puoi creare con la tua voce,
Tu, pensi i pensieri della gente,
Poi, di Dio c'e solo Dio.
Vivere, nessuno mai ce l'ha insegnato,
Vivere, non si pu? vivere senza passato,
Vivere ? bello anche se non l'hai chiesto mai,
Una canzone ci sar?, qualcuno che la canter?
Dare to live searching for the ones you love
(Perch?, perch?, perch?, perch? non vivi questa sera?)
Dare to live no one but we all
(Perch?, perch?, perch?, perch? non vivi ora?)
Dare to live until the very last
(Perch?, perch?, perch? la vita non ? vita)
Your life is all you have to give (Perch?)
non l'hai vissuta
Vivere!
Dare to live until the very last
(Perch?, perch?, perch? Ia vita non ? vita)
Your life is all you have to give (Perch?)
non l'hai vissuta mai
I will say no (I will say yes)
Say dare to live
Dare to live
Sometimes you have to lose something to gain something more valuable.
They say that when you fall you gotta get up again.
I did that once.
But when I walked away I felt the hurt on my knee.
I rolled up my jeans and saw a cut.
It was deep and hurt alot, eventually though it dried up. And then became a scab.
A scab that I picked and threw away.
Now I have a scar!
A scar that will always remind me of that time I fell.
The only thing is it wasn't that simple, I didnt just hurt my knee and it didnt just heal.
It was more like I was pushed down like you held me down.
I did get up, but it was hard.
I want you to somehow know what you did and somehow understand that I'm no longer mad.
But remember there is something called Karma. But I'll touch on that later.
My knee was my heart, and the cut was a stab, and the scab was a lesson, a lesson I will always remember because of the scar.
The bruise that changed my life and made me who I am and allows me to forgive you.
I lost you, I willingly backed down I gave you up. I couldn't anymore. I felt that i didnt need to fight that I should have had to fight for something that was mine.
So I lost you but now I found myself and some one found me. That's someone who I dont have to fight for. Someone who stands by me and makes me tall. Someone who caught me and when I fell cleaned my knee and kissed it. Someone who taught me to be careless and not worry about falling!
But karma is funny and life and is even funnier. You see I suffered and learned I lost and gained. But you ? You have to pay for what you did and life will charge you not me. I let go and I left it alone but destiny will play her game. And it will hurt. You see you have not 1 but 2 daughters.
Two that will one day get their hearts torn apart, that will love so blind and so naive. That will give everything without expecting a pain so hard! They will both cry! They will cry like it rains, they will think that they cant go on, they will fall and you have to watch them fall and try to help them raise., But they wont want your help. They'll want "his" help. You'll hate "him" for lying to them, for using them, for telling them what they want to hear. For building their dreams and then shattering their hopes. You will hate "him" for being just like you.
And that in itself is Karma.
And life's a bitch and then we die. It's a continuing cycle. And destiny will deal you your cards and you will have to deal with it. You'll hurt watching them hurt, you'll ask why these young boys do the things they do? Then on that day, you'll remember me, my tears, my pain and on the day that one of those girls falls I'll raise her high, and explain the cycle to her.
She'll lose someone and gain something more.
